This post is part of the series, “Why Niceness and Dating Do Not Mix.”
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Two years ago, almost exactly, I sat across from one of the most impressive men I’ve ever met. We were connecting during a busy lunch hour in Tempe. His presence was arresting from the moment I saw him and remains that way to this day. We were supposed to be meeting for professional networking purposes but I could not curb my fascination or interest.
The intellectual attraction was matched, to say the least, and the conversation flowed. Our discussion ran much deeper than most of the interactions I’ve had since. After an hour, it was time for me to return to work. He announced, in his pleasant but patronizing way, that I could leave anytime I wanted.
The jolly flirtation disappeared in a flash as I shot him a glance. The next move I had planned to make was to reach for my things and end the meeting politely. With a tone like bitter cacao, I said, “I know. This is me leaving.” Ordinarily, I would not be so bold but something told me he could take it.
I grabbed my things and otherwise exited politely. He remembers it still to this day and teases me about it occasionally. I’m not very “nice,” you see, but I’m real.
Your “Representative”
When you interact with another person, whether it be romantically, for business or just a casual interaction waiting in line at the grocery store, there is a lot going on in your mind. You’re listening to the person (hopefully) but you’re also watching the person’s body language, facial expressions and gauging their level of engagement. You’re also monitoring the inner dialogue that the interaction creates. You’re also – probably – answering to some inner belief, perceived as outside expectation, as to what you should or should not do from moment to moment.
This mess of voices, thoughts and habits that eavesdrop and interfere in your daily interactions? That’s not you. That’s your “Representative,” and he/she is quite the interloper. [For more info, read this]
When you’re in this mode, you’re pandering to a lot of voices that really have no right to be present. It’s sort of like when you were a kid and you’re brother or sister would answer the phone and never hang up, they’d just keep listening. It was infuriating. That’s what these distractions are doing to you, now, as an adult.
Only one voice deserves any volume and that belongs to the person across from you.
Quiet Down
The only way to be real, to offer the most genuine parts of yourself and not just the parts you think you “should” share, is a two-fold process: 1) Know yourself and 2) Be present enough to let him or her out. It’s a difficult journey, and at times seems never-ending, but you can start being more present and mindful right now.
For tips on how to quiet down that pesky inner dialogue, check out the post:
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for the shout out, Miss Alpha! I've been thinking about this a lot lately, actually. It is really hard to "quiet" the mind..it tells you what you should be doing, what the other person wants, etc. I'm not very good at meditating, but there is a point. It quiets the mind so you can focus on what's real, what is you. Well, I'll try at least.
People always say they're not good at meditating when they start. That's the point, nobody is good from the start that's why it's necessary and why persistence pays off. The more you do it, the more focused, clear and calm you become! Let me know how it goes!
I’m not very “nice,” you see, but I’m real.
In my experience, this statement is on target. People use the term "I'm being real" as an excuse for being rude and obnoxious.
You’re also – probably – answering to some inner belief, perceived as outside expectation, as to what you should or should not do from moment to moment.
This is called being on your best behavior. Some people have the ability to be on their best behavior much longer then others. They are called "Nice."
I find it amusing women asking men to keep it real considering the extent they go to present an unreal image of themselves to men. i.e. : make up, push up bras w/ padding, wigs, just to mention a few things. Oh, and then lets not forget how the majority of women still insist of playing the role of the weaker sex and acting like they don't want sex as much as men because of the double standards they are trying to avoid. If the majority of women were real about their desires, honest with themselves and men as to what they can and cannot handle in terms of sex & emotions, and took leadership in initiation at All levels of relationships, dating would be much less complicated then it is.
Honesty would be a wonderful addition to dating but lots of people have real issues being honest with themselves.
I choose to be a "Nice" guy. I know what a jerk I can be, but I don't see the point in allowing that side of myself free range.
If a woman cannot deal with the level of respect I give her, that is her problem, not mine.
He speaks! So nice to see you finally comment :)
I agree, if people we real and honest with themselves, dating would be much easier. Thus, the new tagline. I will be posting again on this topic in the coming weeks :) If you have some input, let me know!